Friday, November 12, 2004
It would be difficult to fully communicate my disappointment in a simple email. On the other hand, slipping out into the hall and drowning myself in the mop bucket would mean that someone else would have to feed my dog.
The American people have spoken, and they have sent the world a message: "We're barely bright enough to chew our own food."
Incompetence, incoherence, inarticulateness, pettiness and random savagery apparently do not deter the majority of Americans. The thing that really, REALLY matters to Americans? Homos. And foreigners. Both must be stopped at any cost.
Americans voted overwhelmingly in favor of bigotry, amending state constitutions around the country to prevent same-sex couples from having any rights beyond the right to live on the margins of society. We clearly have far more to fear from The International Homosexual Conspiracy(tm) than we do from North Korea and the collapse of the American health care system.
Apparently, we are truly a nation of slackjawed yokels, awed only by grotesque displays of wealth and violence, reverent only of the bossman and beholden not even to our children, since we seem content to mortgage their future in favor of a $300 tax refund that we have traded for decent jobs, healthcare, and a just society.
We make pious noises about worshipping a Just and Merciful God, while doling out destruction and horror upon the innocent, pausing only to pat ourselves on the back for waging a "just" war to rid the world of tyrants that audaciously aspire to exist after they lose their utility to us in endless low-level conflicts to control the world's oil supply.
We seem to have become cheap, venal, vulgar and petty while we apparently don't have the ability to reason our way out of the dilemma of taking care of the sick, watching out for the elderly, and teaching our children not to be credulous, callow dupes.
To my friends from the UK, France and anyone to whom they choose to forward this, I feel that I owe you an apology. It is as if I have brought an orangutan to high tea. While he flings shit at you and tries to snatch pastries from your plate, I am left wondering how I might make it up to you.
The world's richest and most powerful nation seems to have lost its moral compass. We have lost interest in leading by example in favor of taking by force. I would like to say that I believe that one day in the future America might regain its senses. Unfortunately, I am not terribly optimistic. The best I can offer you is to remind you that Nixon also won a second term.
Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause are heard.
My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of garments]
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people. Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.
I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff, and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.
I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.
There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"
More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years, we've done just that.
It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.
Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as conceding the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008. [Wild applause, screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.
And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the world. They don't.
So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every one of you.
[Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL BACK to reveal the rest of the stage, the row of cameras, hundreds of unoccupied chairs, and the empty field beyond.]Posted by Adam Felber at November 3, 2004 02:43 PM | TrackBack
"Please... everyone who wants to learn how to argue progressive
issues so as to be competitive with the powerful right wing wave
in this country right now... PLEASE read this book (thin, quick
read, inexpensive and life-changing):
**Don't Think of an Elephant**
Know Your Values and Frame the Debate--The Essential Guide for Progressives
by George Lakoff"
Lakoff wrote a terrific article in the Sept 03 issue of The American Prospect, along with one by Deborah Tannen--together they were that issue's cover stories under the banner "How Republicans Hijack Language"; Lakoff's piece was called "Framing the Dems--How conservatives control political debate and how progressives can take it back." We sure did followed that advice, didn't we? Well, maybe we progressives did, but our candidate, not being a progressive anymore, probably felt the advice also no longer applied.
Tannen's article was "Let Them Eat Words--Lingustic lessons from Frank Lutz", the evil who was profiled on the last Frontline. He's the one responsible for Clear Skies, Partial Birth Abortion, etc.
Here's an excerpt: "How many would get all worked up about an exceedingly rare abortion procedure (that the Alan Guttmacher Institute estimated represents less than one-fifth of 1 percent of all abortions performed in the United States in 2000)? But attach the name "partial-birth abortion" and a second-trimester fetus becomes a half-born baby. Legislation to outlaw the vaguely described medical procedure then becomes another success in chipping away at constitutionally protected abortion rights -- as well as a wedge issue to defeat Democratic candidates. According to an insider in Al Gore's 2000 Tennessee campaign, the vice president's opposition to this legislation was one of the factors that turned many Tennesseans against their home-state candidate.
Who among us wants to call ourselves anti-life? Win the name game and you're more than halfway toward winning the battle. Win enough naming battles and you're on your way to winning the war."
And one more:
"The cynicism in Luntz's advice is astonishingly explicit. On the subject of the gender gap, for example, he informed Republican members of Congress that they could woo women with words (no need for troublesome deeds). While acknowledging that women (like the caller to the radio talk show) care about education, he cautions against trying to back up promises with actual programs:
I begin with the premise that we must do no harm. That is, we should not undermine our growing strength among working-class white men (1994 set a modern-day record) in our efforts to reach out and communicate to women. I refuse to advocate an educational strategy that leads to a net loss of votes just to win over a few women and silence a few media critics. It would be unwise and foolish. ...These excerpts come from a document that Luntz circulated to Republican members of Congress in 1997 titled "The Language of the 21st Century." The section that came to my attention was "Addressing the Gender Gap," but it provides a blueprint reflected in Republicans' rhetoric in other areas as well. Luntz's advice boils down to this: Forget action. Improve your image by revising the way you talk. Let them eat words."
I do not subscribe to the notion that we must change our substance or create a separate women's agenda. Listening to women and adapting a new language and a more friendly style will itself be rewarded if executed effectively and with discipline.
The articles are still available online at their website
None of us are naive about the dastardly neocons, but this was scary stuff. And we saw it played out daily over the last 4 years. The articles were real eye-openers for me, and everyone I referred to them. Sounds like this book may be an expansion of his article. Must reads, all.
The Unexplained Exit Poll Discrepancy --by Steven F. Freeman, Ph.D. "As much as we can say in social science that something is impossible, it is impossible that the discrepancies between predicted and actual vote counts in the three critical battleground states [Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania] of the 2004 election could have been due to chance or random error... The likelihood of any two of these statistical anomalies occurring together is on the order of one-in-a-million. The odds against all three occurring together are 250 million to one. As much as we can say in social science that something is impossible, it is impossible that the discrepancies between predicted and actual vote counts in the three critical battleground states of the 2004 election could have been due to chance or random error.
Systematic fraud or mistabulation is a premature conclusion, but the election's unexplained exit poll discrepancies make it an unavoidable hypothesis, one that is the responsibility of the media, academia, polling agencies, and the public to investigate."
This excerpt is from a daily Citizens For Legitimate Government briefing, called Breaking News and Commentary. CLG does great work. In addition to Breaking News, they have at least three Yahoo discussion groups. people post all kinds of great articles and links, as well as rant, though the volume of daily mail from each of those groups is more than I can handle. That's why I now just get Breaking News.
Three thumbs up.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
LETTER FROM PETER COYOTE ON BLACK BOX VOTING AND LOCKDOWN ORDERS ABOUT NEWS COVERAGE AT THE NETWORKS
Already, of course, the propaganda machines are trying to label us all as conspiracy-theory nutcases or paranoids. Maybe some of us are, but let me remind you of two of my favorite quotes:
"Paranoia is just having all the facts."--William Burroughs.
And of course you all know this anonymous one. "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
Nov 09 2004 22:49:01
" There is a bumper sticker I saw months ago that sums up the current state of affairs in our country regarding what is the biggest news story you'll neversee on the General Media reported. It said "IF YOUR NOT OUTRAGED, YOUR NOT PAYING ATTENTION".On Friday I received a phone call from a good friend who works at CBS--I've known her for years and she is a Producer for some of the news programs, one well known one in particular. She tipped me off that the news media is in a"lock-down" and that there is to be no TV coverage of the real problems with voting on Nov. 2nd. She said similar "lock-down orders" had come downlast year after the invasion of Iraq, but this is far worse--far scarier. She said the majority of their journalists at CBS and elsewhere in NYC are pretty horrified--every one is worried about their jobs and retribution Dan Ratherstyle or worse. My source said they've also been forbidden to talk about it even on their own time but she was pissed and her journalistic and moralintegrity as what she considers to be a gov't watchdog requires her to speakout, while be it covert and she therefore asked me to "spread" the word...She said that journalism and the truth is at stake. She said another friend ofhers, a producer at MSNBC, said that an anchor by the name of Keith Olbermannhad brought it up on his show on Friday eve and the axe came down. He'satleast fighting back and talking about it on his "Blog", but she said that people there are worried that he's going to be fired by higher ups. She saidat this point the only way that the "real news" was going to be if the peoplestarted talking about it and made a big enough stink about it to our electedofficials, the FEC, and "noise" to the international media, that our own media won't have any choice but to cover it. (Yes, this is really happening in the good ole' supposed "democratic" free press of the US of A). The only place you'll see this talked about right now is on the internet and onAirAmericaRadio.
Everyone--this is serious....I can't emphasize it any more than saying ifthere was ever a time to speak up and take action it is NOW. If you are feeling sick to your stomach (like me) about the possibility of 4 more yearsunder Bush and the future of our country, and yet you feel helpless, here'syour opportunity to take action. Imagine if you saw a loved one drowning--whatdo you do? Well, our country's democracy is drowning and she needs us. In anemail I sent you last night, I used the F-word--FRAUD and mentioned to youthat I felt strongly that there is a lot of mounting evidence that thiselection was not clean. I say that not only out of a result of my observationswhile out in the field as a poll watcher in the key battleground state ofOhio, I say it with the knowledge and information of reports that have been circulating around the country in various voting precincts involvingirregularities and problems with the voting machines and numbers not matchingup with the exit polls or actual numbers of registered voters in variousprecincts. I've been busy researching this issue and compiling for you belowsome details of these reports and where you can get more info:To believe that Bush won the election, you must also believe:
1- That the exit polls were WRONG...(remember--they have been used for over adecade and considered reliable)
2- That Zogby's 5pm election day calls for Kerry winning OH, FL were WRONG. He was within a less than 1/2 % point margin of error in his 2000 final poll andprevious polls for other elections.
3- That Harris Poll last minute polling for Kerry was WRONG. They were alsowithin a 1/2% point margin of error in their 2000 final poll.
4- The Incumbent Rule #I (that undecideds primarily break at the end for the challenger)was WRONG.
5- The 50% Rule was WRONG (that an incumbent doesn't do better than his final polling)
6- The Approval Rating Rule was WRONG (that an incumbent with less than 50%approval will most likely lose the election)
7- That Journalist Greg Palast was WRONG when he said that even before theelection, 1 million votes were stolen from Kerry. He was the ONLY reporter tobreak the fact that 90,000 Florida blacks were disnfranchised in 2000.
8- That it was just a COINCIDENCE that the exit polls were CORRECT where thereWAS a PAPER TRAIL and INCORRECT (+5% for Bush) where there was NO PAPER TRAIL.
9- That the surge in new young voters had NO positive effect for Kerry, eventhough it was the largest number of youth voters 18-29 ever and a huge jumpfrom 2000 and they were over 55% in favor of Kerry.
10- That Bush BEAT 99 to 1 mathematical odds in winning the election.
11- That Kerry did WORSE than Gore against an opponent who LOST the support ofSCORES of Republican newspapers who were for Bush in 2000.
12- That Bush did better than an 18 national poll average which showed himtied with Kerry at 47. In other words, Bush got 80% of the undecided vote toend up with a 51-48 majority--when ALL professional pollsters agree that the undecided vote ALWAYS goes to the challenger.
13- That Voting machines made by Republicans with no paper trail and with no software publication, which have been proven by thousands of computerscientists to be vulnerable in scores of ways, were NOT tampered with in thiselection.
Some Examples: (There are many more, but I won't list them all here--this is to give you an idea)
- The City of Gahanna in Ohio discovered a discrepancy that gave 4,000 votesto George Bush. After media scrutiny, city officials have admitted to anelectronic "glitch" that caused the problem.
- In Broward County, FL, errors in software code caused a referendum ongambling to be completely overturned. The error caused totals to count backwards after reaching a ceiling of 32,500 votes. The problem existed in the2002 election as well however the issue was never resolved by the manufacturerof the electronic voting machine.
- In North Carolina, a Craven County district logged 11,283 more votes than voters and actually overturned the results of a regional race."
For more info, go to: http://www.blackboxvoting.org or
The link below to Peter Coyote's lists takes you to a letter he wrote to the Yahoo group Political-Research, which I just joined. His letter and the list are mighty impressive, and I am going to post it here later.
"Peter Coyote lists just some of the crazy series of things you have to believe in order to believe that George Bush actually won the election (see an earlier letter from Coyote here). I'm amazed at how easily the left has rolled up on this issue. It is not an exaggeration to say that this stolen election represents the United States slipping into fascism, a problem that is usually irreversible without a lot of really bad things happening to a lot of people. World war is the usual outcome, and the attack on Falluja, expressly couched as a religious Crusade (see here or here, and here), is clearly intended by the Christian Zionists to lead to that goal. If you make the connection between the people behind the computer voting machine companies, their insane religious desire to see the Apocalypse in the Middle East, and the grim future of the world evidenced by the completely unnecessary attack on Falluja, you have to come to the conclusion that there is no time to wait for another election. It is not morally acceptable for the American left to allow the Apocalypse to happen without even the slightest attempt at a fight. It is insane to save your energy for the next election, when the chances are there won't be one."
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with That. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors." 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8. Dont use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme. 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard. 17. When The Money Comes Out Of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......
After I wrote the prior posts, I came across Joe Bageant's column 'Hung over in the End Times' on the Smirking Chimp site. It's at http://www.smirkingchimp.com/article.php?sid=18653&mode=nested&order=0
It's sub-headline is: "If liberal society is to survive the rise of the Godwacks, we need to start by calling them what they are."
This is one damn terrific article--it's terrific , mostly because it supports my own contentions, but also because he's a terrific writer, and funny too. He grew up in fundamentalism, and understands more than most of us that " ...You cannot talk to these people and you cannot reach them with words or language. Not unless it is Biblical or Koranic or scriptural. Dialogue is impossible even though, publicly at least, they claim to want dialogue. (Take it from me. What they want is to convert you. I've wasted years on that dialogue gig.) Their only language is religious rhetoric and that's damned narrow stuff. Combined with the emotionalism of the born-again consciousness state, it reduces them to incomprehensible psychotics, especially when they feel threatened, which is constantly. Calm psychotics, but delusional and unreachable people nevertheless. ..there can be no dialogue because that which is not born of reason cannot be reasoned with. These people not only do not negotiate, they cannot even hear you."
Later in the article he says, "Don't kid yourself about making peace with these people. And for god's sake don't believe the pundit's horseshit about it being about "values." It is about a minority among us who want to stamp out all the advances made during the Enlightenment -- take us back to Biblical Law, wars and rumors of wars. And it is about a band of dyspeptic, neoconservative money grubbing bastards who knew how to exploit our ancient and destructive legacy, the war making Calvinist fundamentalism brought here by the Scots Irish and still smoldering across the heartland. By now most of you who live where you can buy a copy of the New York Times without special ordering it, or feel free to walk down the street arm in arm with a lover of another race, are starting to wake up. All I can say is that you have worse enemies than you know, and they will still be around next election. If there is one. And they can crush us if they manage to align themselves with the same kind of oppressive bastards they did this time. Which they will. They never cease, proof of which is that what we saw last November was the culmination of twenty years of organizing. What to do about it is still being debated, but to my mind, publicly calling these people what they really are would be a damned good start. "
I'm doing my part.
I'd reprint the whole thing here, but it's better than mine, so I won't.
Actually, while this may be fun, the Economist, which originally printed the chart, printed a retraction: "Last week we published a list that purported to show the IQs of states voting for George Bush and Al Gore in 2000. Alas, we were the victim of a hoax: no such data exists. By way of apology, here are two very crude ratings of states' intelligenceand how they voted." http://www.economist.com/World/na/displayStory.cfm?story_id=2692859
But so what. One sign of a truly stupid person is making the choice to remain ignorant when presented with facts. This explains not only the election but abstinence-only programs, creationism, and their time-honored tradition of selectively choosing passages from the bible to support their particular loci of ignorance. After all, why let a fact stand in the way of a good opinion?
What else would one expect from people who believe in The Rapture; 17% of those 70 million self-identified Evangelicals believe the world will end (the Rapture) in their lifetime. So we are now in the end times, according to them. After Israel is established, God will swoop down and transport only the true believers to Heaven, and smite everyone else, including the Jews--except for 144,000, and I have no idea why. Comic relief?
Bush is one of those evangelicals.
But of course there's more to this story than ignorance. There's venality. Oh, there's plenty of that.
Look at Bush denying global warming, encouraging homophobia, and prohibiting stem cell research from that perspective. Denying established scientific consensus certainly appeases his conservative Xian "base" so widely blathered about, as does his homophobia; but he has more than one base. Now that the cabal has again stolen the presidency*, he can concentrate on his real base--the rich and powerful robber barons of capitalism, whose allegiance he cemented--as if he needed more stickiness--with his tax cuts. Who benefits most from ignoring environmental concerns? Big Energy,of course. Who benefits from prohibiting stem cell research? Big Pharma. Explore every issue where this administration obstructs or overturns progressive policies and name your industry that benefits. Those Christians ain't benefiting on the material plane, that's for sure. They're getting screwed over as much as we are; in fact even more, since those red states rely even more on government largesse than the blue states, and most of that largesse these days is going up the chain, not down. Another fact they choose to ignore.
It sure is annoying, though, that their willful ignorance so negatively impacts the rest of the sentient world, and for long beyond their much-prized Rapture date.
While I'm fairly sure Bush's membership in his religious cult is hearfelt (with this man and his co-conspirators one can't be truly sure of any integrity), his desire to please and enrich his corporate daddies trumps most of his dedication to his fellow religious bonkjobs. Religion is his foil. He used it, as so many have before him, to maintain power. And he maintains power for the main purpose of increasing tribute to plutocracy.
*How do we define "stolen?" Will it prove to be voting corruption again, as many progressive organizations are investigating now? Maybe. But a cabal that wins by the nastiest lying and distortion of fact I've ever seen, by manipulating a system filled with loopholes in the most corrupt way, by stooping so low that the bar is on the floor--well, that's theft to me. Regardless of how the voting recounts come out, this team has stolen another chunk of our still-evolving democracy and threw it into the garbage disposal. They've stolen more than the election. They've stolen hope that America could become the idealistic Democracy that 54 million voters, in their unrelenting ignorance, think it already is. That's a capital offense.
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went
to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man
who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess
nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they
did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him ... what?
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was a girl who sent ten different puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
"Fuck the South. Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.
And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?
Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?
No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.
Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.
All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it’s a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.
The next dickwad who says, "It’s your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That’s right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It’s too easy, asshole, they’re blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.
Let’s talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that’s right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.
But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.
Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.
And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off. "
Click here to contact the author.
And read on, where I reference this article and give its website.
Tired of this nonstop Rove propaganda-machine bazzfazz about red state "values" (now its "values voters"--but I guess that's marginally better than "security moms) and the punditry's continued dead-from-the-neck-up goosestepping blather about how they didn't vote for us because we're arrogant and condescend to the southern sensibility. That we think they're stupid? Well, http://fuckthesouth.com/and http://www.bobsgeek.info/dfus.gif
1) They ARE stupid. Yes, it's true. It's always the stupid ones who don't know they're stupid, after all. I mean, look at Ben Affleck--I mean Britney Spears--that is, Clarence Thomas...OK, don't, you're right. Some things are just too painful.
2) They're selfrighteous sanctimonius whining fanatical hypocrites whose idea of values means it's OK to hate and kill as long they get to decide who gets hated, who gets dead,and how it happens. Oh yeh, evolution is only a theory. Here's a theory--evolution bypassed these pre-hominids. Apologies to pre-hominids, and damn you, evolution. What where you thinking? Clearly they're not descendents of Homo-erectus, because Homo-erectus was significantly brainier than his predecessors--except for that subset knows as Log-Cabinids. Evolution, you may be fickle, but you got a great sense of irony.
3) As Carville said a few years ago, "We're right, they're wrong." (Even an idiot can occasionally say something wise--except, apparently, the Chosen One in the oval office)If the Democrats in their clearly finite wisdom decide to pander to these fools (I mean the media--come on!) instead of defending the real values of any just society, like Volvos that run on carbs--they're just gonna die anyway--then, as my 8th grade general science teacher used to yell at us, "no culture, no future, no hope."
Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian, Says: "The party that so gloriously brought this country the fabulous Red Scare of the 1950s, in a bit of an about-face, has now made the godly throughout America scared they are not a Red. State, that is. With this in mind, I have drafted this handy list as a quick reference to determine if you are living in one of those demon-infested Blue States – or Jesusland!" http://www.bettybowers.com/nl_redorblue.html
Meanwhile, time to buy property in Tierra del Fuego.
Well, illuminati, are you happy now?